My Antidepressant Life

Have a good life.

I don’t wanna. You can’t make me.

Lucien

I’m not writing today because I don’t feel like it.

I’m just not in the mood. I’m not inspired. The motivation fairy hasn’t rapped me over the head with his wand, today[note]Why does the Motivation Fairy look like Hulk Hogan in a tutu? Brain, what are you doing?[/note].

And we all know I don’t go work or feed the dog or clean up after myself or go to the doctor unless I feel like it. I never do what needs to be done if I’m not inspired to.

What happens if I only do what I feel like doing? My life unwinds. Been there, done that, bought the major depressive disorder t-shirt, which was too expensive and the neck was too tight.

Depression makes living feel like absolutely everything is uphill. Anxiety makes it feel like everything is uphill, and it’s an ant hill. These two things take a lot of energy to compensate for and work around, and it doesn’t always leave much to spare for improving my life.

This writing project, though? It’s interesting. It’s an exercise in both discipline and self-care. It costs me about an hour of sleep a day, because I’m getting up an hour earlier.

I love feeling connected with you writers, and visiting what you’ve written is something I look forward to each day. I love the glimpse into other lives and places. Living alone, going to work at a job that discourages personal connection, losing my therapist because my new insurance doesn’t cover him… my days feel so isolating. Doing a group project like Write 31 Days and Five Minute Freewrites has helped with this.

So no, I don’t feel like writing this entry, today. I’m not in the mood to get up an hour earlier than usual to knock out 300-600 words, today. I don’t feel like it. And I’m not listening to that little voice that tells me I don’t have to do anything I don’t feel like doing. That’s the voice that tells me to eat what’s bad for me, and watch “Lost Girl” all day without leaving the house. It’s my inner brat[note]Who looks suspiciously like “Suicide Squad” Harley Quinn.[/note] teaming up with my good buddy, Depression[note] Who looks like Alfred Molina as “Doc Ock” for some reason. No, I have no idea why.[/note], and even though it’s tempting to listen, I’m not going to.

How are you handling your “don’t feel like it” impulses? Also, what kind of milk and cookies do you put out for the motivation fairy?

No, seriously. I think maybe he doesn’t like 2% and gingersnaps. Help?

A photo of a rocky shore, with a quote from Dune. What has mood to do with it? You fight when the necessity arises - no matter the mood! Mood's a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset. It's not for fighting.
Dune is one of my favorite books.

This blog has been taken over by the 2018 Write 31 Days challenge. Here’s the sweet, sweet index of all my posts of nope.

6 thoughts on “I don’t wanna. You can’t make me.”

  1. I’m committed to getting through this challenge but it’s not getting me up any earlier! lol (Probably why my posts end up being rushed at the end of the day.)

  2. My can’t be bothered vibes are all about takeaway and reality tv or bingeing on my favourite box sets because they feel really comforting.

    The problem is that sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish between a mood like that where it’s me telling myself I need a rest and self-care, or whether I’m feeling that way because I’m a bit down and unmotivated. Fresh air always seems to help immensely with the latter, although I’ve never had clinical depression so can’t imagine how difficult is it to get out and about when the cloud descends.

    I really like your writing and look forward to reading the rest of your ‘nopes’!

    1. Thank you, Penny! I might be enjoying writing a little too much, this month. It’s been so long, it’s like letting a puppy outside after it being cooped up indoors all day. And yes, sometimes fresh air helps me if the issue is motivation. Sometimes a really cold shower helps. Sometimes it’s a matter of getting help because my already low baseline has dropped further than usual. Thank you for your compassionate comment.

  3. Yeah! Writing is a great discipline. Umm… I don’t know, there have definitely been a few days this month where I was like “nah, don’t feel like it.” But the prompts have certainly motivated me.

    I think deadlines / feeling like I HAVE to do a thing (like go to work, haha) help me push through that don’t wanna feeling. And speaking of things I don’t wanna do… I should probably change out of my pajama pants and go to work… >_>

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