Category: starting over

Intentions for 2023

In 2023, I’m finishing things. I’m completing projects. I’m allowing things to end when they have a natural ending. I’m learning/will learn to accept those ending, and to finish what I start, however imperfectly it turns out, like physical journals. I took an old journal that I started in 1995, flipped it over, and started writing. I’m literally beginning at its end. The symbolism of that is a happy chosen accident.

When I started that journal, my friend Dev was alive and very much part of my chosen family. Marty was still alive, but I hadn’t met him yet. TJ was alive, and we were writing together nearly every night, spinning stories out of ether. Dr. H was alive and attending Veterinary classes at the same university as I was. He finished the program, and I left it. Several members of my family were still alive. The journal I’m (re)using is like a paper time machine, but less wibbly-wobbly and more likely to be found in a living room.

I will practice feeling grief over endings and partings and loss, and I will pass through them. I don’t know what I’ll find on the other side of 2023. I hope I find my voice, and my self.

I want to put energy into these three intentions every day:

1. Start something. (Something I haven’t allowed myself to start.)
2. Finish something. (Something I’ve been hoarding and won’t allow myself to finish.)
3. Use it everyday. (I’m allowed to enjoy things on more than just special occasions.)

I’m hoping posting this here will help keep me on track.

All credit to Brit, who inspired me.


Well, I’m not dead, yet.

Well, I’m not dead, yet, but I did get impressively sick and had to get the nasal swab test for the COVID-19 plague. It was less fun than a pony, but more fun than being bit by a pony. I lost a friend in early March to cancer, and another in early April to heart disease. Hoping 2021 is slightly less exciting than 2020.

On the upside, I’ve been at my job two-and-a-half years, and I make the same wage as someone less experienced, who was newly hired. No, really, that’s an upside, because it’s really lit a fire under my unmentionables to get more serious about a career change.

Et voila.

Image showing progress of StraighterLine course Intro to Technology.

I’m going through StraighterLine to get my feet wet, since my brain is full of cold molasses and hasn’t been warmed up to flow new information through in a while. Poor brain. StraighterLine seemed relatively low stakes, while still being useful and providing transferable credit. I was a PC tech from 2000 to 2008, and would like to get back into the industry in one form or another. Ideally, I’ll make this change in about a year or so. Hopefully the world will be merely smoldering by that time, rather than merrily burning.

Next year becomes never.

This week’s FMF writing prompt is: RUSH

I hear it all the time, about how we all need to slow down, stop rushing, stop hurrying, take a break. Sometimes, though, the day needs to be seized. Hard. Carpe testiculum.

A week ago, I found out someone special to me was in hospice, and, dear reader, I lost my damn mind. I doubly lost it when I ran my budget over and over, and just can’t make a visit happen. I have nothing left to sell that I don’t use for work. My budget is so tight that there is no furniture in my living room. No internet in my home. I keep the heat around 60*, and can just, just pay my electric bill.

I am deeply ashamed of my financial situation. I should have rushed that divorce, instead of sticking around for two more years while my ex continued to run up debt on nonsense. I should have rushed out of the relationship the first time he cheated. Some things don’t take deep thought.

Sometimes, we do need to rush. Sometimes, we do need to hurry along leaving a bad relationship, or making an important decision, or taking a class, or visiting a friend. At some point “next year” becomes “never,” because we run out of next years.

I should have rushed into every opportunity to visit friends and family, over the years.

I haven’t given up. I’m putting in for all the side work I can find, and have made sure my boss knows overtime is my friend. Run, don’t walk. Make sure the people special to you know how loved they are.

Image of a four way freeway at night.